Thoughts on being single – Introduction

Valentine’s day has come and gone, and I know that for single people it can be a pretty tough time, despite how we may try pass it off as ‘just a money making racket’. So I thought I’d post some thoughts on being single, gleaned from the many talks I’ve had the privilege of doing on the subject.

I’d like to treat it extensively, so I’ll break the post up into four parts. In this first part I’ll just try clear up some misconceptions on the subject, and then in parts two and three look at the blessings and curses of being single, and then wrap it up in part 4. Feel free to comment and contribute to the conversation!

Being single and an adult is tough, make no mistake. It’s not good for a man to be alone, that’s what God himself said, just before he hooked Adam up with a wife. I wish it were that easy these days.

One of the reasons it’s so tough is because the world, and especially Christians, have such a strange and distorted idea of this issue. A while ago I was at a young adult function where I bumped into a very old friend and got chatting. He was sitting there with his lovely wife and asked me the inevitable question of whether I was seeing anyone. When I said ‘no’, he kinda rocked back on his chair, squinted his eyes knowingly, and said ‘we’ll have to fix that’.

Ahem. Fix what? Is something broken?

Christians are the worst at this. The world may admire singleness, applauding your independence, but within the kingdom you always get the impression that you must have done something wrong to deserve it. I remember hearing a well known author say that if you’re an adult and not actively pursuing marriage then you’re sinning. Recently when researching for this I heard one of the biggest figures in the evangelical world say that adulthood equals marriage and if you’re not married, then you’re just an adult adolescent, or boy who is yet to become a man.

Where do these guys get this stuff from? Quick, tell me two of the biggest names in the New testament. Did anyone say Jesus and Paul? Were they married? Are they adolescent boys then? Who changed the entire world? It’s crazy. Maybe they have some crazy translation of the bible that somewhere says: ‘thou shalt marry!’

Which sounds humorous, but on a serious level, try find a verse that vigorously promotes marriage, something more than a Proverb or word of wisdom. To be sure, it’s clearly a Godly institution, and I will get to that later, but for now lets accept this fact: nowhere in the bible are we ever made to feel like there’s something wrong with us if we’re not married. Right?

In fact on perhaps the only occasion that the bible actually deals with marriage and singleness side by side they are highlighted as both being gifts. Check it out:

“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.” (1 Cor 7:6-11)

I want to emphasise the word ‘gift’ here. Marriage is described as a gift, AND singleness is described as a gift. Has anyone here ever heard it said that being single is a gift? Normally it’s made out to be a curse, like a purgatory before marriage, something we have to go through when we’ve messed up. I know I’ve thought that before.

Whats amazing about a gift is that it is given with intention, and it is given at will. This means that it is very possible that God would give someone the gift of singleness, or marriage, according to his will. This is important because we tend to think that because God could give us the gift of marriage that he should give, but it’s really up to him!

Our only job then, is to accept it joyfully, knowing it was given with intention, and that the intention is always good. Which is hard to believe sometimes, and I’m going to spend sometime talking about how it can realistically be seen as a gift.

Before we get there though I just want to make sure we are absolutely clear on how single is ok according to the bible. I came across another verse where Jesus speaks and says:

“There are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Matt 19:12)

Clearly Jesus approves that some of his followers renounce marriage and sexual activity for the sake of serving Christ’s kingdom. Are we clear on this?

That leads us perfectly to the next part of the discussion, where we look at the various ways that singleness is a gift.